Death is one thing

(Before any of you read this just remember that you don't know me and you will never know me. The way I act in the OPG server is completely different from the way I am. You know why? After dealing with the shit of the daily grind it relaxes me by just "chilling" if you will and messing around. Among other things.)

Being alone is another. Sure death is menacing since we don't have an idea about what is going to happen when we die. It's natural. I have been in dangerous situations before and pondered what would happen but thankfully I am still alive today. But you know what really sucks?

Being completely alone. I have had a pretty good life so far. Even with the close calls, grinds, problems and stress I can say that I have enjoyed myself. I have always been financially blessed and had a great family that supports me for the most part. Never had to worry about that much when I was brought up and I was very lucky.

Now don't say that I had it easy because I didn't and I still don't. Money isn't the most important thing in the world. Money I guess is a drug. It's something that changes my attention to something else. It hides the fact that I so far have had no luck in the relationship department or that frankly I know of plenty of people who would love to see me dead. I know it's great to think about before you go to bed. Some people have a natural problem with me but then again I don't care about them.

I have had the pleasure of living in the U.S, Algeria and Italy while regularly traveling and seeing the world. Spent some time in Mexico, pre-drug cartel fallout, Argentina, Chile while also getting the chance to stay in England, France and Spain. I would have liked to have spent more time in London though. Lyon and Madrid were a blast. Traveling is great because you actually see how big the world is and how amazing people are.

I know hundreds of people. Friends are friends. I have a few of them that I can rely on with certain things and plenty of people who are cool to hang out with. The social aspect has never been a problem. But friends are friends. They are there when they need you not when you need them. I have relied on myself for the most part when it comes to those things. I work with some great people but I also know that they are just coworkers. Doing the same job that I am. God I know hundreds of women. Some gorgeous, some ugly but nice. But they are just friends and acquaintances.

I used to tell myself that love isn't important right now. I won't go out and embarrass myself just to make myself look "cool". I absolutely hate seeing the showoff guy making himself look like a retard in front of others and the girls always buy it. They buy into the bull# comments and looks and fall straight into the trap. I can see them being miserable. They put on the fake love face when their boys come around but you know they know they made the wrong choice. It happens all the time. Do you know what I would give for someone to support me? to care about me? to love me? maybe talk to at night or someone to really hang out with and look forward to seeing? someone that I could open up to?

Everything. I would give the money away, the prestige, the contacts, the job, the lifestyle just to have someone. I hate being alone. You never get used to being alone. You get used to the depression, anger and aggravation that comes along with it. It gets harder everyday. Especially when you have to deal with the amount of bull# that I have to deal with. Everyone's problems are different. Some people say that I don't make mistakes. I make the ones that nobody see's. They don't know about the stress, threats, anger, frustration, depression and sorrow that I have. They see me. Nice, intelligent, professional. The guy who has no luck with the ladies. I'm not snobby and I don't mess with someone unless they start something.

Someone, I forget, on these forums told me about "karma". I have known about karma for a while but I don't pay attention to it usually. I have said things that I will always regret. I have hurt people that frankly I loved. I have hurt people who deserve the best and they didn't get it. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. Some serious and some small. Just like everyone else. I will always regret it. I will always look back at what I said or did and want to go back in time and kill that version of me. But I can't do that. I have to live with those mistakes.

I can live with them. I have no choice I guess. But karma? do I deserve the sorrow, frustration, anger and depression? While other people, who definitely don't deserve what they have, get everything because of "karma"? That doesn't make sense to me. I try to believe in God and want to believe even if the world doesn't. I managed to survive at birth and on more recent occasions so I think he might have a plan for me. I am DEFINITELY not that lucky.

What is it going to take? What if there isn't someone out there? I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't want to be the cold person that I am right now. I don't want to have to face everything on my own anymore. I can win a thousand fights. I have had my back against the wall hundreds of times. Somehow I always scrape through. I nearly escape somehow. But every time after that the fight gets tougher. The odds are stacked higher. I used to be a hopeless romantic and some of that still hides inside of me. I used to believe, love and enjoy life. Now I don't. You can ask what is the point? I certainly don't know.

The question is simple. Even with supposedly hundreds of fish in the sea why can't I find any? I can't even find a gold digger. It wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have to see everyone else in love. Everyone else taking advantage of what they have. Even in Eritrea I saw something that I lacked. Some of those people are dirt poor and having to deal with militias and other problems that would definitely kill some of us. But they have a family. They have some sort of love. A man and a women. Even a family. I can sit here with my money and my physical items. I can drive the nice car and have the brilliant job. But I can't have the love. What amazes me is that I have seen a lot of the world. It's a brilliant place even if people and the news play it out to be horrible. There is a lot of love out in the world that I haven't been able to find.

Do any of you know what its like to have never had a date? Never had that fluttering heart rate when you see the person you love? To have to sit back and blend in like a ghost? Have any of you ever sat back and watched humanity at its best and worst? Ever had to deal with complicated circumstances that you know could be solved with someone by your side but you know you don't have anyone? Every night I live is a lonely night. You probably don't know but if you do I feel your pain. It's a horrible feeling really. Absolutely terrible when you want someone, anyone, so badly that you would kill for her but she never comes along.

This rant may have confused you and probably changed the way you look at me. Doesn't matter. I had to get this off my chest. So Lissa the question is simple. How do I find someone?

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