No one wants to write this one up. Maybe it was just too amazing or maybe no one has the time. Regardless of their reasons, I’m going to take a whack at it. There is a slight problem - I never went to any of the events. Well, I went to the pool party, but that’s it. So, here is the completely fabricated (almost) report on the oPg weekend. Narrative Style.

It was a bright and sunny Thursday in Salt Lake City when oPgers from all over the Western United states swarmed our humble abode. Their first target was the  Jackalope Lounge and the Gallivan’s Twilight Concert Series. I’m not entirely sure in what order things happened, and I’m not going to take a guess. The Jackalope was most excellent. Lissa, Jaminz, Goosie, and others shot the breeze with the best of ‘em.

Loosened by the pleasant warmth of a few drinks, everyone made their way to the awesome sound of De La Soul and Cool Kids. The concert was epic, sick beats and tunes jazzed the night away. For some, the experience was just far too much to handle. Jaminz was the sole survivor of the outing. Even still, he was convoluted into thinking that he was a male stripper. He spent the majority of the night dancing next to a red truck.

Many did not make it to the Thursday celebration. In all honesty, it was just the prologue to the real fun. After Killa dropped off his boat at my house late Thursday night, that’s when the fun began.

Friday was spent by Jaminz and Killa making their way across SLC. During their adventures, they decided to stop by Ajax’s airsoft shop. And, go figure, the first thing Ajax wanted to do was shoot them. So he did. They also bothered to stop by BigEd’s for some good ol’ American food cooked by the best Chinese people we know. Keep up the good work DCR.

Come Friday evening, the pool party was ready to kickoff. From 6PM until the wee hours of the morning fun times were supposed to be had by all. Sadly, we’re in Utah, so no one bothered to show up until about 8:30PM. This left Powdered and Emma Dee plenty of time to become acquainted with their new ‘birthday present.’  Not to be discouraged, once everyone was there, the booze flowed freely. Well, Jaminz thought he was going to be neenja and drink a water; we quickly remedied that.

Several shotgunned beers later, the party was rolicking with the festivities of  drunk, middleaged men. Some stayed, some left; some committed atrocities unspeakable in their horror - Killa was again confused about his sexuality. Most crashed at Frosty’s and tried to game off their hangovers early the next morning. Makes perfect sense - bright lights and loud noises are renowned for helping hangovers.

I left to climb the Pfeifferhorn Saturday morning, meaning I was not there to join the caravan to Jordanelle. I even hear Killa made it without a three hour stop at Walmart this time. Thank God.

Once the boat was out on the water, Killa was in his element. Wakeboarders and  Tubers were no match for the mighty Team oPg boat. So strong was its wrath that the heavens opened and cried for Killa to bestow mercy upon his passengers. Still, Killa would not relent. His passengers were driven to madness. I guess that would explain the playboyesque photo shoot.

As the light faded, the boat was taken off the water. Everyone cracked open a few drinks and enjoyed the firelight. Jaminz, once again, drank enough to kill a racehorse, yet remained somewhat sober. Killa, however, was completely smashed. He was so intoxicated, that in the middle of the night he stripped down and marched through camp with a Vader helmet on.

Come the following morning, someone incurred the wrath of Lissa. Woken far too  early, she was recruited to cook breakfast. With fury from the depths of hell, it is said she lit the stove with her eyes and garnished the food with toenail clippings. Still, breakfast was to be had, and had it was. After a most excellent breakfast, everyone headed back out to the lake.

Round two on the lake was not as bad as the first. Killa had lost favor with Poseidon it seemed. The skies cleared and the boat failed to throw epic wake. Out of sheer frustration, Killa threw everyone overboard. A stream of the worst profanities followed the two ‘Without Papers.’

Idahoan biggotry aside, the day did eventually come to an end. The boat was  taken off the water, and everyone headed for home. Another oPg weekend had come and gone.

Until next year, folks. Thanks to all who helped and participated.

(The gallery below has just a sampling of the pictures. For all of the photos, check the forum gallery.)

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